All-Out Rant: Gary

Ok, for way too long I’ve kept silence on a personal issue, and right now I need to let out some of my emotional outrage. If you feel like reading about the yellow-bellied, no morals, spineless, unprincipled, pussy-whipped coward that is (soon to be “was”) my brother-in-law, keep reading. Otherwise, stop right here.

While not a condition I’m prone to, as you can tell, yes, I am mad. Infuriated, in fact. I’ll start from the beginning so that by the end you’ll know exactly why.

About a year ago, my sister and Gary started having some major marital problems. For a long time, we (the entire immediate family) had known that Gary had a number of control issues with which he hadn’t yet fully come to terms. These mental issues caused him to exert a large amount of control over the actions of his family. including my sister and his daughter.

Like in many of these cases, much of this control was manifested in the form of religious fervor and belief in God. Unquestioning spousal obedience was demanded (under the guise of submission*) and many generally innocent traditions held by my sister were denied her, such as having a Christmas tree in the house. (Trick-or-treating was also not allowed, but that is more generally shunned by mainstream Christians, anyway, not just extreme fundamentalists.) In her attempt to be a good wife, however, my sister agreed to his rules. attempting to take them as her own.

* Side note: On Submission
Now, understand: submission isn’t a demeaning word. It’s a power word, since being in submission often grants you power. For example, when you get stopped by a law enforcement officer for speeding, you should be submissive. This will, in turn, often allow you to have power over the officer in that there’s an increased chance he’ll let you get off with a warning instead of a ticket. (This doesn’t generally apply to motorcycle officers, by the way.) Likewise, when you’re submissive to an authority figure, it usually results in the authority figure giving you what you want, such as knowledge (if it is a teacher), or attention (if it is a parent or a partner). Submitting to someone doesn’t make you their carpet. In fact, in many ways, the person you submit to will, in the proper context, end up becoming your servant. (The greatest leaders are the greatest servants.) Not understanding this important fact has led many couples into dangerous waters, since often the husband sees his wife’s submission to him as pass from responsibility and the wife often sees it as a bonding rope with which her hands are tied. It is this last wrongful interpretation which has given submission such a bad rap.

This attitude is what she took for six years of marriage. This included bad times — such as when they at one point declared bankruptcy, precipitated by Gary’s attempt to start his own motorcycle detailing business (he knew nothing about running a business, per se, but relied on knowledge of the trade, unwilling to truly submit himself to anyone in order to learn) — and good times — such as when they started going to the gym, when my sister lost a large number of pounds and Gary gained 20+ lbs of muscle (he was a very skinny, little white guy before then).

In the early part of this year, my sister decided she had had enough of Gary’s control issues. Part of the issue was her weight loss. Since she lost the weight, she started becoming attractive, too attractive for Gary’s taste, since she started getting looks from other guys. Gary would accuse her of flirting whenever she even so much as talked to another guy. Another part was the fact that my sister has never been someone who will allow herself to be walked on for too long, and over five years had already been too long. One day, she decided to move out of the house, since she felt she could no longer live there.

As happens in such cases, where someone feeling repressed escapes the situation from whence the repression was taking place, my sister decided to take full advantage of her newly-found freedom, most of which involved going out with friends. This, of course, wasn’t the wisest of moves from various perspectives, since many of her new-found friends were over 10 years younger, and had about as much life experience as the average house cat. Included among these new friends were various male friends. This last item didn’t bode well for Gary since he took it as a sign of infidelity, despite my sister’s claims to the contrary.

For the record, one of the issues which always bothered me was Gary’s unwillingness to see a marriage counselor. He claimed there were no problems, or that problems should be solved by them, and that was that. (That he needed counseling had been told to Gary before, that he needed to handle his personal issues via counseling. When one person tells you you’re a horse, don’t believe them. When another unrelated person tells you you’re a horse, laugh it off. When a third unrelated person tells you you’re a horse, put on a saddle.) Nevertheless, a while after my sister moved out, Gary finally decided that it would be in his best interest to seek counseling. Being as religious as he was, he decided to seek help using his church’s programs. Sadly, the counseling turned out to make problems worse, since my sister still didn’t feel she could yet face Gary again, even in a counseling setting, and because a counselor at his church had Gary convinced that the only possible reason my sister would be going out with guy friends was because she was screwing around. (This is why I don’t trust most counselors, church counselors least of all; too often there is some sort of hidden agenda or bias, and the person taking the advice is often in too susceptible of a position to question it.)

After a short period, for the sake of her marriage, my sister stopped going out with guy friends. She continued going out with girl friends, since she still felt this her right, even after almost six years of not being allowed to do so. Still, this move was enough for Gary to finally agree to sit down start communicating, and to dump the counseling.

While my sister didn’t move back with Gary, the fact that they were communicating was taken to be a good sign by the family. It wasn’t all that long before they started dating again. After a little while, she even started spending the night over there. While they had their ups and downs, it looked as if the relationship was again coming together. With this as a base to build upon, my sister decided it was time for them to have counseling together, as Gary now wanted. She decided to tell him that it was time. Unfortunately, just before she told him this, Gary decided they should simply get divorced.

Side Note: On Divorce
Here’s where I started to get seriously angry. I hate divorce. I think its way too easy in this country and is, in most cases, the coward’s way out of what’s supposed to be a lifelong commitment, a path taken either by those too lazy to work their problems out, or by those who have alterior motives they value higher than their honor. In general, divorce is the path taken by weak people who don’t have enough backbone to stick with the marriage through the “worse” part of the “for better or for worse” vow. (This statement doesn’t apply to cases where either adultery or spousal abuse is present, both of which are perfectly viable reasons to end a marriage. Of those, only the abuse is one which can’t generally be worked on; adultery can, painfully, still be worked through. I highly admire those couples who can work even through adultery to stay together.)

My sister — and everyone else — was floored. As it turns out, Gary had started to date another woman. And she had moved in. As he described it (to my mother, of all people), this woman made him feel special. She told him things about him, positive things, made him feel important and special. “You mean the same kinds of things used to tell you,” my sister told him during a confrontation, “before you had any muscles, when we were still bankrupt and eating Ramen for days at a time? After your businesses had failed and we almost lost the house? What happened to all those times?”

After the initial shock wore off, my sister decided to hire a lawyer to handle the paperwork. Of course, Gary couldn’t understand why she needed to get a lawyer for something as simple as a divorce (?!?!), and got fairly angry at the fact. I guess he didn’t think his cunning plan all the way through: they don’t have a pre-nup. It was at this time that Gary decided he needed to take this fight to another level: psychological warfare. Gary wanted to make sure my sister felt as he did, to intentionally inflict upon her the same pain she unintentionally (by her foolish actions) inflicted upon him. (These were his words — again, to my mother — almost verbatim.) Revenge is indeed a dish best served cold.

Throughout all this time, the biggest forgotten factor was their six year old daughter, my niece, Belle. The Wife started observing Belle and started to notice a number of behaviors which in later years may manifest themselves in very bad ways. Specifically, much of the way Belle handled seeing mommy move away from daddy’s house (as she now calls it) was by calling more attention to herself by various means. In addition, she started becoming much more dependent on external emotional encouragement and support. This was topped off by her new defiant behavior, especially strong after she would spend time with her daddy, and his new, live-in girlfriend. Unfortunately, Belle would become a pawn used by Gary to intentionally hurt my sister.

A few days ago, Gary decided to take the hurt one step further. When Gary came to drop off Belle after her weekend stay over at his place, Belle excitedly told her mommy, “Mommy, mommy, come meed daddy’s new friend.” Gary had apparently decided it would be a good idea to bring his live-in girlfriend, the one he’s having an adulterous relationship with (after all, they’re not yet divorced) over to my parents house. Needless to say this was devastating to my sister.

Many times my sister has thought about taking the same sort of revenge on him, bringing one of her male friends over in order to make him jealous, but all through this reason has prevailed. My sister, with my mother and father’s help, has been strong enough to quell the hand of temptation, and has instead taken the high road when dealing with this piece of human refuse.

Many times I’ve heard it told, “God does not make junk.” God may not make junk, but some people sure do a fine job at making themselves junky. Gary has made himself nothing but an adulterer, a coward at its lowliest. Napoleon Hill said it best in Think and Grow Rich: a man who is not true to his wife cannot be trusted.

The final straw, the one that made my immensely patient mother finally declare what a hypocrite Gary is, came today. When my sister went to pick up Belle from Gary’s (and his whore’s) house, Belle ran up to her and excitedly told her, “Mommy, look at the Christmas tree!” In six years, Gary had never allowed a Christmas tree at his house, condemning it as anti-Christian and not part of the season. I guess it just takes the beckon of a pretty whore, for a pussy whipped, yellow-backed, dishonorable, cowardly loser to drop all principles and conform to that whore’s desires. All my sister could reply with were the words “Six years, and I never got a tree.”

Now, all throughout this, I have kept quiet to everyone except The Wife and my mom. I have kept my nose out of this whole ordeal, never once telling my sister what a fool she was for doing obviously provocative and stupid things during her initial separation, or Gary what an absolute worm he is for being such an incredible hypocrite: demanding my sister conform to his religious beliefs for six years, then conveniently shedding them when his whore decided they don’t suit her tastes. She’s rectified her ways. and even apologized to us for the way she was acting. As for him — well, self-righteous, pampas cowards don’t tend to apologize, so I don’t expect it. This is why every time I’ve even so much as heard his voice, I’ve simply walked into a room and closed the door, lest I hear his redneck, illiterate, cowardly voice. This rant has been my first — and possibly my last — attempt at blowing off steam. Considering the guy has basically just dishonored my whole family, it may be about time I stop holding back and simply tear into him. Psychologically speaking, of course, since physical involvement in any event is reserved for self-defense only. I’m a very patient guy, and I don’t anger easily. (Annoyed, yes. Angered, no.) Right now, I’m very angry, and patient as ever.

Alright, now, if you finished reading this whole thing, what do you think? Is there any advice you can offer my sister, or me for that matter (other than “calm down, cool off, don’t do anything stupid”)?