Gnorb.NET

I was browsing the history section of the local Border’s bookstore yesterday, trying to find a good read when I noticed a gentleman next to me looking through the ancient history section. The Iliad, The Republic, and other masterpieces from ages past there were, collecting dust and begging for someone to pick them up.

I started to talk to this gentleman (I’ll call him “Mike”), and noticed he had a book in his hand.

“So, getting a little reading from the ancients, eh?”

“Not quite,” he said. “I’m getting my wife a gift for Valentine’s.”

“Ah, gotcha.” I chuckled and said jokingly, “I think I’ll simply wait until Valentines to come up with something. Nothing like not waiting until the morning of the 14th to really get the creative juices flowing, eh? So, anything in mind?”

“Not really. She’s always been hard to shop for. But she likes history, and she likes to read, so I thought I’d get her something from here.”

I made a few suggestions to him — none of which he really liked. I apologized and went on looking for what I was searching for. A minute later, I head him speaking again.

“There we go. I think — ” he reached up and grabbed a book. ” I think I’ll get her this one.”

As he put the book in his hand and began to walk away, I happened to notice the title he was carrying. It was Dante’s Inferno.

The first people my wife and I told about our plans to marry were an Indian couple we had both known for a few years. (For the sake of this story, I’ll call them “Raj” and “Deep.”) Raj had been a financial adviser to me for some time, and as such he was the first person I went to whenever I was to make a big financial decision.

(For you single guys out there, trust me when I say that marriage is the ultimate financial decision. Two incomes? Yes, that’s a good thing, but remember that when you marry, lots of previously hidden debt pops out of places you never expected.)

Although they were happy to hear the news, Raj quickly became Mr. Finance again, and plainly (but urgently) told me “Ok, the first thing you have to do is get a job that pays at least $60,000 a year.”

Say what?! I thought. I’ve never made…

“Ok, now when are you two getting married.”

“Uhm…” I looked at my wife. “In about a year. We haven’t quite deci–”

“Oh,” he said, with a sigh of relief. “I thought it was like next month! Why are you waiting that long?”

Thankfully, that’s about when Deep jumped in. “No, Americans don’t do it that way. They wait years to get married.”

“Really?” asked Raj. (We later found out that Raj had never been to an American wedding.)

Cin and Deep agreed. Deep continued. “Yeah, I’ve been working with some of the girls at a wedding show…”

The conversation went on from there, but honestly I stopped listening after “$60,000.” Why that much? Why would I need to be making that kind of money when I get married? Understand that at the time I was making about $24,000 as a technical support dweeb, and Cin was making about $22,000 working for the county.

But this wasn’t going to cut it. And why was that?

Apparently, for you single guys who don’t yet know, there’s a little word called “Provision.” Although I had seen in action — my father was always a good provider — until then I had never really given much thought to it for myself, or rather with myself being the provider.

Recent events caused me to revisit that train of thought. At my church, I heard the pastor recently talk about some of the things single folks need to know before getting married. To the best of my ability, I have reproduced the part of the speech talking about provision.

(Note: This one’s for both single guys and gals. Guys, take notes. Gals, can you believe your man probably doesn’t know what a “duvet” is?)

Single guys, listen. I want you to know right now that provision for your wife… There are not a whole lot of things on your shopping list that will suddenly find themselves on that list after you decide to wed.

In fact, let’s have a Single Preparedness Test. Let’s see if you’re ready to spend your money on a few items that you might not yet even know exist. So, just for the single men: ready?

The first word is “valence” (pronounced “VAH-lens”). Go ahead, try to say the following “I’ll need to buy a ‘valence.’”

Here’s the next word: “dust ruffle.” Get ready to buy a “dust ruffle.”

The next two words: “Pillow Scam Sham.”

And here’s another word: “Comforter” (pronounced “COM-for-ter”).

Now, for those of you guys who don’t know what those things really are, I have to tell you: my bedroom looks beautiful. When I was single I had a pillow and a blanket. Again, that’s a pillow and a blanket. Now I have all the extra stuff.

And the comforter — let me clue you in on this, guys — a comforter is a big, really expensive blanket that no one gets to sleep on or with. (It’s kind of a strange thing.) And now they even have these “duvets” (pronounced “doo-VEYS”).

Let me share this with you (it’s a ritual at my house):

My wife and I will be ready to go to bed. She stands on one side, I on the other. Then we fold down the comforter, and take it off the bed. Do you know what I paid for that?! I take it off the bed and I set it on this chest at the foot of the bed. That’s where it is for the night! In addition to that, we take all the extra pillows off the bed. Now, we have pillows we put inside covers that we will never put our heads on! So now we have several pillows on top of a comforter on top of a box…

…I just made the bed for an invisible man! And he’s got more pillows than I got! I’ve got one, he’s got three! He’s got a big fluffy comforter, and I’ve got a pillow and a blanket. That’s the same thing I had when I was single! But I paid a lot of money! What is with that?!

(It’s called “provision” men.)

Now, before you ask her to be your wife, go into Macy’s/Burdines, or one of these department stores, go into that big cosmetics section and check prices. You know, just go in there and say “you know, it’s not for me. I’m gonna get married soon… what’s lipstick cost?” Ask them what lipstick costs. Now, it’s not just lipstick. It’s also lip gloss. And also lip liner. And also lip…

You’re going to invest big money, do you understand?!

Just letting you know in advance. I’m not saying I’m bitter about this…

Again, it’s called “provision.”

Funny. As a single guy, I wasn’t much into movies. My collection consisted of The Matrix, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, and one season of Futurama. Now, after getting married, all of a sudden I’m this movie addict with a penchant for uhm… furniture.

Needless to say, when I was single, my interaction with the TV was at an all-time low. My viewing was limited only to these DVDs, a couple of hours of playing Final Fantasy X and X-2 a week, and Mexican music videos playing late night on channel 104 in Ft. Lauderdale. Other than that, I spent most of my program viewing time watching downloaded episodes of Love Hina on my laptop. (This was before they were licensed in the U.S., so it wasn’t like downloading something I could’ve picked up at the store.)

Then, I got married.

“Oh, let’s stop by that Blockbuster,” I’ll say. “They’re selling three movies for $20!” I would have never even thought about that when I was single, even living in a crappy and depressing little apartment with unadorned walls, friendly-but-strange neighbors, and yellow water.

To give you some perspective, when I was single my home furnishings consisted of my computer desk, a chair, my bed, a bookshelf, and a spoon. Plates? I didn’t need no stinkin’ plates! That’s what lids are for. And cups? Why, I’d just use the left over yogurt containers, of course! I eventually added a television, TV cart, and lamp, but only after I got bored of listening to the neighbors next door fight, make up, and have sex. (And yes, she was ugly, which made it even worse.)

After she moved in, it was only a matter of time — days, really — before we were clambering for more space. Adding a couch and a queen-sized bed to a 600 sqare foot apartment will do that, apparently. I also had less closet space, although as a single guy, I rarely used the closet and instead relied on a big pile of clothes I left on the floor. Need something ironed? Just place it neatly at the bottom of the pile overnight. In the morning it was as good as new. Kinda.

The strange part was that I didn’t really mind. In fact, I kinda liked it.

I guess this is what happens when one gets married: the strongest traits from each of the partners rub off on the other, at least for the most part. For example, I picked up my wife’s affinity towards movies, which is why I found myself buying a copy of Elf a few weeks back. (Actually, she bought it, over my objection. Poetically justly, I’m now begging to watch the movie every couple of days, even if it’s just to keep that Christmassy feel.) Likewise, my wife picked up an affinity for anime, especially the cute, comedic kind like Love Hina and Ah! My Goddess.

Of course, what made us us is still there. I’m still the showman in the relationship, able to get up in front of just about any size audience and perform like a little kid singing for his mom, and she’s just as quiet, patient and proper as ever. (This despite my best attempts to introduce her to the “burp your whole name” game.)

I wonder if this will change as the years go on. Having been married for about 10 months now, I’m starting to see some difference in the way both she and I act, both towards each other and to others. Towards each, we’re a lot more relaxed, and a lot more loyal. (I can, for example, go to the bathroom, come out, express my satisfaction with what happened in there, and not feel awkward about it.) Towards others — well, I’m picking up some of her patience and heeding the advice from the book of Proverbs.

It makes me wonder whether we’ll ever get to the point where we can be sitting in a restaurant, she looking at me, I looking at her, and without a word being said between us she can tell the waiter, “Excuse me, but he doesn’t like this, and he wants you to take it back.”