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Although I’m sure you’ve seen these in an email, I just ran accross a few sites containing “facts” about Chuck Norris which I’ve not been able to stop laughing about for the past few days. What follows is a list of the more interesting ones, including the original email, as well as the source from which they came (if they came from another website, a link). Some are funny, some aren’t, but if you don’t laugh Chuck Norris will give you a roundhouse kick to the face.

(Edit: Feel free to add some of your own “Chuck Norris Facts.” It seems to have become a bit of a sport.)

(Edit: Note from Norris himself on this at the bottom of the post)

Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

The following are from http://mike.wordpress.com/2005/12/13/more-chuck-norris-facts/:

23. When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.
24. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
25. Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
26. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.
27. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
28. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
29. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
30. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
31. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
32. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
33. Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
34. The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.
35. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
36. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a beverage. We know this drink as Red Bull.
37. When Chuck Norris farts, several hundred species go extinct. Dinosaurs were around the last time Chuck Norris farted, let’s hope he doesn’t fart again.

The following come from a Fark post mentioning Chuck Norris and Osama Bin Laden:

38. Chuck Norris killed Osama. Chuck Norris then went to heaven and killed him again, and his 72 virgins.
39. Chuck Norris killed Osama a long time ago. Every now and then he decends to hell and roundhouse-kicks Bin Laden back to life. He then rips off his shirt and flexes his pectorals until Osama begs to be sent back to hell.
40. NOLA? Yeah, that was Chuck Norris.
41. Chuck Norris once scissor-kicked Angela Lansbury in the face. (reply: “I believe you’re thinking of Bill Bradskey. Common mistake, however. I’ll allow it.”)
42. Chuck Norris wears a rattlesnake for a belt, and the large intestines of a polar bear for boxer shorts.
43. “You know what? Chuck Norris fights like a sissy. Hang on, there’s someone at the do—”
44. When Chuck Norris leaves the US, the terror alert is raised 2 colors.
45. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks puppies just to see the kids’ reactions.
46. A young man once had the nerve to go up to Chuck Norris and and tell him a roundhouse kick to the face was not the best way to kill a man. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
47. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
48. Chuck Norris only uses Bounty paper towels to clean up blood, that’s why every role bares his likeness.
49. Chuck Norris heard a man say, “It’s not the heat; it’s the humidity.” Chuck Norris promptly threw him into the sun.
50. Chuck Norris went as Chuck Norris for Halloween and got twice as much candy as anybody.
51. Chuck Norris is so powerful he can make a post about Chuck Norris actually funny.
52. Chuck Norris wrote this, but with a funnier headline.

By the way, here’s another random Chuck Norris link.

Edit: Note from Chuck Norris

I’m aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as “Chuck Norris facts.” I’ve seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It’s quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, “Against All Odds?” They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, “The Justice Riders,” released this month. I’m very proud of these literary efforts.

As for reading your autobiography, it was already on my list, Chuck. (Saw it at my church’s bookstore.) Don’t know about the Westerns, though; not my thing, really. Now, maybe if you got yourself a writer — some with a bit more capitalistic wit — then maybe you could have turned this into some lucrative cash. For example, “I’m aware of the declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet. These are all true…” He could’ve taken it from there, I’m sure.

Edit 2: After reading these, and another Fark thread about Chuck Norris, my wife decided on a few of her favorites from the Fark thread:

• Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Mr. T walk into a bar. It explodes with the power of twelve suns from the awesomeness.
• Chuck Norris has been dead for years. Death is afraid to come get him.
• Chuck Norris is 1/8 Cherokee. That has nothing to do with his heritage: The dude ate an Indian.

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